Confidence for the Chronically Uncool

Confidence for people who don’t feel confident (yet) without looking like a total knob

Image created by Author using DALL-E

Confidence is like that one mate who's always late to the pub.

You know, the one who texts "On my way!" when they haven't even got out of bed yet?

You know the one.

You’re sat there, clutching your pint, shifting awkwardly, laughing at some joke you didn’t hear, wondering if coming here was a colossal mistake.

Meanwhile, Confidence is still at home, probably debating between two equally terrible shirt options.

Then, finally, it waltzes in—like it owns the place—and suddenly, the whole vibe shifts.

Everyone’s at ease, the awkwardness evaporates, people are laughing.

Confidence is the life of the party.
Confidence makes everything look effortless.

But Confidence never arrives when you actually need it.
Oh no, that would be too convenient.

It shows up after you’ve already thrown yourself into the deep end, after you’ve committed, after you’ve accepted that you’re probably going to look like a prize twat.

And yet, somehow, it still manages to steal the spotlight like it planned it all along.

Good news: You don’t need to feel confident to start.

If you’re waiting for confidence to hold your hand, you’ll be waiting longer than it takes Elon Musk to ruin another social media platform.

Confidence isn’t punctual.
But action?
That’s right on time.

So, even if you feel like a complete plank, just show up.

Take the step.

Let confidence rock up whenever it bloody well feels like it.

The awkward truth about confidence

Confidence feels about as natural as trying to eat soup with a fork, whilst being judged by a panel of disapproving pigeons.

(And why do pigeons always look so bloody suspicious anyway? What are they plotting?)

Some people seem to glide through life like they were born with a wind machine and a soundtrack.

Meanwhile, my confidence level is somewhere between "I just called my teacher 'mum' in front of the whole class" and "I waved back at someone who was actually waving at the person behind me."

Confidence feels like an exclusive VIP club: “If your name’s not down, you’re not coming in.”

But here’s the truth: confidence isn’t some mystical power gifted to a chosen few.

You don’t wake up one day with it.
You build it.

Think of confidence like assembling IKEA furniture.

You get handed a chaotic pile of debris, vague instructions, and an Allen key that’s about as useful as a chocolate screwdriver.

It’s messy, frustrating, and you’ll probably swear a lot.

But piece by piece, you put something together that sort of resembles what you intended.

Confidence is the same.

It’s wonky and awkward at first, but eventually, you step back and think, “Huh. That’s actually not too bad.”

Why confidence feels like someone else's game

You know those people who seem to have their shit together?

The ones who look like they wake up with perfect hair and never worry they've left the oven on sixteen times in one morning?

Yeah, well, I'm not one of them.

I'm more like that baked bean that gets left behind in the can – a bit lost, slightly sauce-covered, and wondering if I'll ever fulfill my true purpose in life.

(Yes, I really do feel guilty about leaving single baked beans behind. They have dreams too, you know!)

Building confidence isn’t glamorous.
It’s not like unlocking a superpower.

It’s more like showing up to a wedding in a neon onesie.
At first, you feel like an absolute bellend.

But then, someone compliments your boldness.
Another person cracks a joke.

Suddenly, what felt like social suicide starts feeling like a standing ovation.

So yeah, confidence isn’t polished or perfect.

It’s chaotic, messy, and slightly unhinged.

The "Fake it till you make it" Survival Guide (Or: How to pretend you're not having an existential crisis)

Enough talking about how awkward confidence is—let’s actually build the damn thing.

Here's my tried-and-tested approach to building confidence, which is about as organised as trying to herd a box of frogs:

1. Start Smaller Than Your Last Amazon Purchase
   Remember when you impulse-bought that "Learn Japanese While You Sleep" audiobook?
   
   Yeah, start smaller than that.
   Maybe just try making eye contact with your reflection without immediately apologising.
   
   Forget trying to own the room like Beyoncé—start smaller.
   Smile at a stranger (without looking like you’re plotting their death).
   
   Say one thing in a meeting.
   Tiny, awkward baby steps—that’s how confidence grows.

2. Channel Your Inner James Bond (Even If You Feel More Mr. Bean)

   You don’t have to feel confident to look confident.
   
   Stand like you’ve got a top-secret mission.
   Shoulders back, chin up, feet planted like you own the bloody floorboards.
   
   Even if your brain is running around in circles screaming "ABORT MISSION!" like a caffeinated squirrel.
   
   I do this at work all the time, especially when I'm presenting SQL code that I'm 90% sure is held together by hopes, dreams, and Stack Overflow.
   
   Your brain is gullible—it’ll start believing the hype.
   Worst case?
   You’ll at least have killer posture.

3. The "Ah, Fuck It" Approach
   Sometimes you just need to embrace your inner 007 and do the thing anyway.
   
   Like when I had to tell that interview panel I'd been bankrupt.

   (I didn't get the job. Shocking, I know.)
   
   You don’t have to feel ready to take action.
   If you’re scared, do it scared.
   If you’re unsure, do it unsure.
   
   Confidence isn’t a prerequisite—it’s a byproduct of action.
   
   Think of it like jumping into a freezing pool.
   The first second is horrendous.
   Your nuts go up into your throat.
   Your chest feels like the chest-burst scene from Alien.
   Your brain goes into full-on “Fuck you, asshole!”
   But then?
   Something magic happens…
   You’re swimming like a majestic dolphin.
   
   Whatever’s holding you back, stick 2 fingers up its nose and take the leap.

4. Celebrate Like You've Just Fixed a Bug on the First Try
   Did you manage to order coffee without stuttering?
   VICTORY DANCE!
   
   Did you successfully navigate small talk without mentioning your weird shower thoughts about building a Wookiee costume from drain hair?
   DOUBLE VICTORY DANCE!
   
   Every time you fake a bit of confidence and don’t spontaneously combust, celebrate.
   High-five yourself.
   Do a victory dance.
   Wins are wins, no matter how small.
   
   Every one of them chips away at the wall of self-doubt.
   Confidence is built on moments where you survive and think, “Hey, maybe I’m not a useless twat after all.”

Bonus Step: Take on a Persona

You heard me.

Tons of celebrities do it.

Beyoncé had “Sasha Fierce.”
David Bowie had “Ziggy Stardust.”
Kobe Bryant had “Black Mamba.”

Create an alter ego.

Imagine a version of yourself that’s bold, confident, and completely unfazed.

Then, when you’re about to do something terrifying, let them take over.

You’re not nervous—you’re just in character.

Confidence is just anxiety in a trench coat

Let’s get one thing straight: You don’t have to feel confident to be confident.

That’s the biggest lie we’ve all been sold.

Confidence isn’t some magical aura that descends upon lucky bastards while the rest of us overthink text messages.

No.
Confidence is nothing more than doing the thing, even when you don’t feel ready.

It’s raising your hand when your brain is screaming, “Shut the fuck up, they’ll think you’re an idiot!”

It’s walking into a room alone without bolting for the exit.
It’s speaking up, even when your voice shakes like a malfunctioning karaoke machine.

Confidence isn’t the absence of fear—it’s taking action in spite of it.

It's not about feeling ready.

It's about being as ready as that last-minute Christmas shopping you did at the petrol station.

Sometimes you just have to work with what you've got, even if what you've got is three Pot Noodles and a car air freshener.

And the best part?

It snowballs.
One step forward, then another, then another.

Before you know it, you’re the mate everyone’s waiting for.

The one who walks in and owns the room—not because you’re special, but because you just kept showing up until it felt normal.

Final Thought: Be awkward. Be unsure. Be bloody terrified. And do it anyway.

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