Meditation? Yeah, Completed It, Mate!
Why overthinking meditation is the real block to finding your Zen (and how to fix it)
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Meditation for anxiety: tick.
Meditation for abundance: smashed it.
Meditation for world peace: well, still working on that one.
Sounds impressive, right?
Like I’ve got a shelf somewhere filled with invisible meditation trophies, displayed in a mental cabinet next to my imaginary ‘Most Likely to Be Distracted by Shiny Things’ plaque.
Each one taunting my inability to sit still and breathe for more than 30 seconds.
But here’s the twist: I’m a fraud.
A fraud in the meditation world.
A frauditationist, if you will.
(It’s a word!…Okay, I may have made it up: Shut up!)
The problem isn’t the meditation — it’s me.
I treat meditative practices like an Olympic event, where the gold medal goes to “doing it right.”
I’ve got this mental checklist that feels more like an interrogation:
Am I sitting properly? Check.
Am I breathing? Check.
Am I relaxed? Oh no, I’m overthinking it! Panic attack!
Am I really relaxed? Uh, I think I need a change of underwear!
Oh no, my shoulders are doing the Macarena.
Am I too relaxed?
Did I just drool?
Should I be this sweaty?
By the time I’ve ticked all the boxes, my brain’s tied itself into such a knot that even Houdini couldn’t untangle it.
It feels like airport security screening my inner-most unmentionables!
And don’t even get me started on the embarrassing moments: the loud burps, unexpected farts, and that one time my wife walked in mid-breathwork and thought I was practising for some kind of weird sex film.
The Realisation: Meditation isn’t a checklist
It took me ages to realise that meditation isn’t about achieving some zen-like state of nirvana where unicorns braid your hair and you float on a cloud of bliss.
It’s about letting go.
That’s it.
But how do you do that when your brain’s running laps like a caffeinated hamster on a treadmill powered by bad decisions?
Here’s what finally worked for me — and might work for you, too.
5 Tips to stop obsessing and actually enjoy meditation
Expect Nothing (Literally, Nothing)
Go into meditation like you’re about to watch paint dry.
No fireworks, no epiphanies, no inner guru whispering secrets.
It’s just you, your breath, and maybe some drool if you fall asleep (been there).Focus on Feeling, Not Thinking
Stop playing mental Twister with your thoughts.
Instead of asking, “Am I doing this right?” ask, “How do I feel right now?”
Even if the answer is “bloody uncomfortable,” that’s okay.
Feel it, don’t fight it.Embrace the Chaos
Thoughts will come.
They’ll parade through your mind like a drunken conga line at a wedding.
Let them.
Don’t try to kick them out; just nod, smile, and get back to breathing.Laugh at Yourself
Did you fall asleep and snort yourself awake?
Good!
Jolted awake so hard that you poked yourself in the eye?
Even better!
Meditation doesn’t have to be serious.
In fact, the less serious, the better.Set a Timer and Forget About It
Worried about meditating too long?
Not long enough?
Set a timer and let it go.
You’re not running a marathon here; you’re just sitting.
If 5 minutes feels like eternity, start there.
If you hit 10 minutes, you’re basically Buddha.
Bonus points for using an alarm sound that startles you into accidental enlightenment.
Closing thoughts
Meditation isn’t about perfect posture, serene breathing, or looking like a monk in a meditation app ad.
It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes hilarious.
And that’s okay.
It’s not about doing it right; it’s about showing up, even if you’re half-asleep, drooling, or occasionally punching yourself in the face.
So go on.
Sit, breathe, and embrace the chaos.
You might just surprise yourself…or at least provide some entertainment for your partner when they catch you mid-snore (or mid-sex-act 😏).
And hey, if nothing else, it’s a solid excuse to escape the dishes for 5 minutes.
A moment of stillness (with a dash of chaos)
If you’re the type who treats meditation like a competitive sport (like me), maybe it’s time to put down the mental clipboard.
Start small, embrace the mess, and let yourself get it “wrong” now and then.
You might find that the magic isn’t in doing it perfectly but in showing up at all.
Even if you burp, fart, or fall asleep mid-session, you’re still doing it.
Come on, you know you’ve farted mid-meditation too — don’t leave me hanging here!
And that’s what matters (not the farts, the showing up!).
Now, why not try a 5-minute meditation right now?
Sit down, close your eyes, and see where it takes you.
No checklist, no pressure.
Just you and your breath.
Who knows?
You might even enjoy it (especially if it’s a sex act 😏).
So, what are you waiting for?
Sit down, screw it up, laugh at yourself, and call it meditation.
It’s still better than doom-scrolling TikTok, isn’t it?