Why You’re Beautiful, Just the Way You Are — And Why It’s Bloody Hard to Believe That Sometimes
Learning to love yourself — because accepting you’re amazing is fucking hard
A love letter to my wife, a reality check, and the bizarre habit of self-hate
“STOP IT!” I bellowed. Scaring the ducks and an early-morning jogger.
“STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WAY!!!” I scolded.
“I love you for what you are, not what you aren’t!” I’d reached my limit.
Those words came in an instant.
Without thought.
Like a nuclear-flash in my mind.
Shattering the calm, early morning, silence.
I just couldn’t bear to hear my wife talk about herself like that anymore.
And the bomb just went off.
I coudn’t stop it.
I went atomic!
Until this point, we were quietly walking along the riverbank in the morning mist, sipping our takeaway coffee, as we enjoyed the crisp, chilly, early autumn, air.
We were just minding our own business, discussing all myriad of things that popped into our heads, like the weather, how beautiful it was, how lucky we were.
How much coffee we drink.
How unnatural our coffee habit was.
How much coffee is too much coffee?
(Answer: Who defines too much?)
Deep stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.
But it eventually led to us discussing our personal lives, where we see ourselves, our future etc.
After we finished our coffee, we stopped at a local riverside café awhile to top-up our tanks (our coffee-gauge had dropped dangerously low to 90%).
The café is a gorgeous place, overlooking the river, sat by a nearby medieval bridge, dating back to the 1500's.
Like my wife, absolutely beautiful.
Now, we all know that quiet river walks, the soothing sound of water flowing, and a caffeine boost in a cozy café are the perfect setting for deep, soul-bearing conversations.
And there’s something about this time of year that makes it magical.
Those rare moments when life seems to hit pause, and you’re left contemplating everything.
This morning was one of those mornings for my wife and I.
As we sipped our morning brew, our conversation naturally shifted from our future plans, like driftwood, to that inevitable, dreaded topic: self-worth.
It was at this point the floodgates opened, and my wife began a torrent of self-deprecating monologue and narrative that came crashing down, so effortlessly out of her mouth like a waterfall.
A flood of insecurities, faults, things she didn’t like about herself and things she wanted to change.
It was relentless.
The wrinkles. The stretch marks. The way she dresses. The way she walks. The way she talks.
She rattled off all the “flaws” she sees in herself, the whole ugly, self-critical, cesspool.
On and on it went, like the river rapids rushing beneath our feet.
She couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t take it.
“STOP IT!”
“STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WAY!!!”, I shouted.
“I love you for what you are, not what you aren’t!”
Not exactly a Hollywood speech, but it came from the gut.
Her ugly, hateful, words flowed so effortlessly from her beautiful, lovely, mouth.
Deliciously intoxicating her beautiful mind with hurtful, negative, thoughts — as easily as the delicious coffee flowed into her delicious open mouth.
No matter how many times I tell her how amazing she is, she can’t see what I see.
She thinks my words are just warm, fuzzy nonsense.
Like most of us, she’s focussing on her “flaws,” on all the things she doesn’t like about herself, on things she thinks make her “less-than”, invisible, or somehow unworthy of admiration.
Not a bucket list, not a gratitude list.
An endless fucking hate-list.
Something that made me want to shake her and scream.
She’s got this idea in her head that she’ll be judged on her flaws and her faults — and she will not waiver from that.
And all I see is everything that makes her, well… her.
Everything I love about her.
We’re programmed to self-destruct
Look, we’ve all got our inner critic.
The problem?
That critic is a stubborn, grumpy, old fucker, who’s hell-bent on pointing out our every tiny flaw.
And this doesn’t just apply to my wife; it’s a daily battle for many of us, including me.
Think about it: when was the last time you looked in the mirror and thought, “Damn, I’m the full package”?
Exactly.
We’re all guilty of this strange mental conditioning.
We don’t see the kindness, the resilience, or the love we carry.
Nope.
We zero in on that spot, that wrinkle, that “thing” we’re convinced makes us unlovable.
I’m just as guilty as anyone.
I’ve done my fair share of pointing out my own flaws and diminishing myself at every opportunity.
But here’s the thing— it’s self-destruction disguised as “humility” or “realism.”
It’s utter bullshit, and it needs to stop.
What we’re really asking: “Am I good enough?”
The hidden question behind all that self-criticism?
“Am I enough?”
Whether it’s wrinkles, stretch marks, or the way we talk — it’s all just code for, “Do I have value?”
And let’s face it, no amount of sweet talk from someone else — not even the person who loves us most — can override the self-judgment we’ve been feeding for years.
So, here’s the nuclear truth bomb: your worth is not a list of physical attributes or imperfections.
It’s not the version of yourself you think the world wants.
It’s the very real, raw, sometimes messy but always unique human being you are.
It’s the you who exists without apologies.
That’s the real beauty, and it’s a damn shame we struggle to see it.
Why we can’t seem to love ourselves (and how to start)
1. Our brains are stubborn little shits
Ever notice how a compliment goes in one ear and out the other?
That’s because our minds are like Teflon for praise and Velcro for criticism.
We remember every flaw, every mistake, but a compliment?
Forget it.
Try sticking with positive reinforcement.
As weird as it sounds, make it a habit to appreciate one little thing about yourself each day.
Doesn’t have to be epic.
Even “I have great taste in biscuits” is a win.
2. Comparison is the thief of joy
Seriously, comparing yourself to that super-filtered Instagram influencer is like trying to shove a grand piano down an up escalator.
Pointless and exhausting.
The only person worth comparing yourself to?
The you from yesterday.
Progress is all that matters.
And last time I checked, nobody out there is you, living your life, in your circumstances.
It’s uniquely yours.
3. No one is judging you as harshly as you are
Sanity check: People are too wrapped up in their own worries and insecurities to notice yours.
Newsflash: they’re too worried you’re judging them.
So instead of assuming everyone’s got you under a microscope, remember — you’re not the centre of their universe, and that’s a great thing.
4. Positive self-talk isn’t just fluff; it’s survival
Think of self-love as your mental shield.
If you’re constantly tearing yourself down, don’t be surprised when life’s daily shitstorm hits even harder.
Take it from someone who’s still figuring it out: learning to love yourself is not a one-and-done deal.
It’s a daily act of rebellion against years of self-doubt and your shitty subconscious.
Look, you don’t have to tell yourself you’re a superhero daily, but how about this?
Next time you think, “My hair looks like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards,” pause.
Find something you do like — even if it’s “well, at least I still have hair” — and run with that.
How to start seeing yourself through their eyes
Think about someone who truly, deeply loves you.
I mean, the kind of love that’s relentless, unfiltered, and pure.
Imagine them seeing you like you see yourself at your worst.
Now imagine their reaction.
They’d be heartbroken, wouldn’t they?
Well — that’s exactly how they feel every time you put yourself down.
This article isn’t just some cute “be kind to yourself” fluff.
It’s a reminder: When you tear yourself down, you’re tearing down the very person they adore.
So if loving yourself feels like a stretch, then start by giving them the gift of kindness to the person they love — you.
Here’s your homework: Break the habit of self-hate
So here’s the takeaway, plain and simple:
Catch yourself.
Notice every time you’re about to mutter some self-hating nonsense and put a stop to it.
You’re better than that.
Don’t just avoid the negative; replace it with something good, even if it’s as basic as, “I make a mean cup of tea.”Build your list of the good stuff.
Yeah, we all know the anti-wish list by heart.
How about making a real, actual list of things that are brilliant about you?
Even one thing.
You might think it’s stupid or awkward, but do it anyway.
Stick it on your mirror and add to it.
Watch it grow.Do something, even if it’s small.
Self-love isn’t always about mantras in the mirror; sometimes it’s about getting out there and doing things that remind you of your worth.
A hobby, a passion, a weird little obsession — they’re all ways of reconnecting with yourself.
Final thought: Loving yourself isn’t just for you
Self-love isn’t some selfish, fluffy concept.
It’s necessary.
It’s what lets you be there for the people who love you, to fully receive their love, and, believe it or not, to love them back in a way that matters.
So next time you’re tempted to bash yourself, ask, “Would the people who love me say this about me?”
And if the answer’s a hard no, then it’s time to shut down the self-hate.
Be kind to yourself because someone out there — someone who thinks the sun shines out of your asshole — is waiting for you to see yourself as they do.
Don’t keep them waiting forever.
A mirror moment
Look, before you scroll on, here’s the deal: take a second and really look in the mirror.
Don’t just glance; see the you behind the self-doubt, past the insecurities.
What if you’re actually enough, right here, right now?
Just as you are.
Take that thought with you today.
And hey, if you’re feeling it, join the (UN)BROKEN — where I dive into this self-love stuff, no fluff, just real talk.
It’s like having a mate who reminds you to stop beating yourself up — delivered to your inbox.
Go on, hit subscribe.
Because if you don’t, your future self might just roll their eyes at you.