Stress Is Slowly Killing You—Here’s How to Punch It in the Baby Maker
Because pretending you’re “fine” while your cortisol levels throw a rager is a fast track to burnout—and it’s time to fight back.
Stress.
The clingy ex of your emotional landscape.
You know, the one who shows up unannounced, eats all your snacks, insults your dog, and then leaves without even flushing.
It’s there when you don’t want it.
It’s there when you really don’t want it.
And worst of all, it’s so good at blending in that you almost start to think, “Maybe it’s me?” (It’s not.)
I’m no zen monk perched atop a mountain sipping herbal tea and contemplating my chi.
I’m just a regular human—the kind who once ugly-cried in a Tesco car park because there were no parking spaces.
And yeah, people stared. (Do you know how hard it is to cry gracefully?)
Here’s the thing: Stress isn’t just an inconvenience.
It’s a full-blown health hazard.
It’s the silent fart in the room of your well-being—silent, but deadly.
But here’s the thing: You don’t have to let it win.
You can grab stress by its tiny little balls, look it square in its smug little face, and scream, “NOT TODAY, ASSHOLE!”
Sound good?
Great.
Let’s suit up and go full Rocky Balboa on stress.
Why stress is the dickhead you never invited
Stress is like a terrible magician: sneaky, infuriating, and constantly pulling chaos out of its hat.
One moment you’re coasting, the next you’re hyperventilating over a mildly passive-aggressive email.
Here’s why it’s a problem: Stress doesn’t just mess with your mood.
Oh no, it’s got its grubby little fingers in everything.
What stress does to your body
When you’re stressed, your body floods your system with cortisol like it’s on a bloody Black Friday sale.
And while cortisol’s great when you’re running from, say, a bear (or pigeon: I'm not judging), it’s less helpful when you’re just trying to finish a spreadsheet.
Here’s what happens when stress overstays its welcome:
Sleep problems:
Tossing and turning like you’re training for a mattress-based Olympics.Weight gain:
Because apparently, your body thinks, “Oh, danger? Let’s hoard fat like it’s gold.”Hair loss:
Stress: 1. Your luscious locks: 0 (I KNEW there was I reason I have no hair left!).Long-term damage:
Heart disease, high blood pressure, and a brain that feels like microwaved vegetable soup.
Once, during a particularly stressful month, I woke up at 4 AM every day, drenched in sweat, because my brain thought it was the perfect time to replay that one awkward thing I said in 2007.
Stress is that petty.
The bastard!
How stress sneaks in (like a ninja with a grudge)
Stress doesn’t just announce itself with a megaphone.
Nah, it’s sneakier than that.
It tiptoes in, disguised as totally normal life shit, and BAM—you’re crying into your cereal.
The usual suspects:
Work deadlines:
The obvious stressor, along with shitty bosses, or colleagues.Overthinking:
Spending 30 minutes debating whether your text sounded too desperate. (It didn’t, by the way.)People-pleasing:
Agreeing to bake 200 cupcakes because you’re terrified of disappointing Karen from HR.Financial worries:
When your bank account is emptier than your will to live, and you’re Googling, “How much can I sell a kidney for?”
And let’s not forget the invisible stressors, the ones you didn’t even realise were grinding you down.
It’s like glitter: you think you’ve cleaned it up, but there it is again, in your underwear, refusing to leave your ass-crack (Oof!, That chafes!).
HOW?
Why you should care (seriously, pay attention)
Ignoring stress is like ignoring a leaky pipe: manageable now, catastrophic later.
Stress doesn’t just pack up and leave on its own.
It festers.
It grows.
It eats your peace of mind for breakfast and shits all over your floor.
And before you know it, you’re snapping at the barista for getting your latte order wrong while your body silently files for bankruptcy.
But here’s the deal: You don’t have to let it.
You’re in control. (No, really. I’m not bullshitting you.)
Let’s talk about how to kick stress where it hurts.
The four-step stress smackdown
Alright, time to stop letting stress push you around.
Here’s your no-BS guide to dealing with it:
Step 1: Name and Shame Your Stressors
Stress thrives in the shadows, so drag it into the light.
Write down everything that’s making you feel like you’re losing the plot.
Work deadlines?
Messy house?
That one friend who texts, “We need to talk” and then ghosts for hours?
Get it all out.
Once it’s all laid out, look for patterns.
That’s your stress sweet spot—the stuff you need to tackle first.
Step 2: Set Boundaries Like a Badass
Stress loves people-pleasers, so if you’re the type to say “yes” to everything, it’s time to learn the magic of “no.”
Work boundaries: No, I will not answer emails at 10 PM, Kevin.
Personal boundaries: No, I will not attend your third baby shower, Karen.
Protect your time and energy like a dragon guarding its hoard.
Step 3: Move Your Body (Even If It’s Just a Little)
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ugh, not another lecture about exercise.”
Exercise doesn’t have to mean deadlifting cars or running marathons.
Just get moving.
Dance in your kitchen.
Go for a walk.
Chase your dog around the garden.
Chase a car down the road.
Bark at the neighbour and watch their face explode.
Whatever gets your blood pumping.
Step 4: Breathe, Damn It
When stress has you in its claws, stop and breathe.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Do it again.
And again.
Congratulations, you’re not dead.
See?
Progress.
Bonus round (okay, I can’t count): The art of giving no f*cks
This is the nuclear option for stress—the step where you truly let go of the shit that doesn’t matter.
Think of it as the KonMari method for your mental state.
If it doesn’t spark joy, chuck it.
Here’s how:
Visualise Your Worries as a Wheely Bin of Rubbish:
Now set it on fire in your mind and walk away, sunglasses on, like the hero in an action movie.
Instant relief.Use the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique:
Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8.
It’s like a factory reset for your brain. Simple, right?Focus on What You Can Control:
Forget the weather, Twitter (or whatever it’s called now), or Karen’s opinions on your life choices.
Zoom in on your reactions, your mindset, and maybe deleting the doomscrolling app once and for all.
Think of this as decluttering your mental attic.
Get rid of the junk, clear some space, and make room for things that actually deserve your attention.
You’ll thank yourself later.
Super bonus round (I still can’t count: Damn you, High School maths teacher!): Take the edge off with laughter
Here’s the thing: Stress hates laughter.
It’s like garlic to a vampire or sunlight to a hungover uni student.
So, give yourself permission to laugh—like, full-blown, belly-laugh, tears-streaming, can’t-breathe laughter.
Watch something ridiculous, share a meme, or even just think about the fact that, as a kid, you probably thought “adulting” meant doing whatever you wanted. (Yeah, that turned out great.)
Humour won’t solve everything, but it’ll remind you that not every moment has to be deadly serious.
And honestly, nothing’s funnier than imagining stress as a grumpy little gremlin wearing a tutu.
Final thoughts: Stress isn’t the boss of you
Here’s the real shitter: Stress only has power if you let it.
It’s like a toddler throwing a tantrum—loud, obnoxious, and incredibly persistent, but ultimately, you’re the adult here.
Take back control.
Identify the stressors, set those boundaries, move your body, and don’t forget to laugh your ass off.
Life’s too short to let stress call the shots.
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